The Commencement Address

Fifteen years from now, when I am invited to address the graduating batch in my alma mater, what will I tell them? (Why would I be the one who is selected for this honor, you ask? That is the topic of a future post)

Do I tell them about my achievements? Or do I tell them to believe in themselves and dream on? Or do I tell them to wear sunscreen?

Hmmm…good questions! And since, most of the audience will be eagerly holding on to each and every pearl of wisdom that I will be showering them with – I should start preparing for the grand event right away! So, here’s the first draft of my commencement speech for the batch of 2021! (Advance apologies, in case I unknowingly “internalized” any of the aforementioned commencement speeches!)

Batch of 2021! Twenty five years ago, I was sitting where you are sitting now. I was waiting for this long speech to get over, take my degree and then head out for an overnight drinking session with my friends. I did not pay too much attention to what was being said on that occasion, and was just glad to finally get my degree in my hand.

The statements so far do not have anything to do with the rest of my speech, but I had always wanted to say these things as part of my speech. So, now that part is taken care of, here is the rest of it!

During my working career, I have been forwarded several famous commencement speeches. As a Good Samaritan, I forwarded many of these across to others who wished to be successful. I have seen that almost all of these speeches contain quite a lot of general messages – be good, do good, be brave and dream, fail and then succeed, be honest, blah blah… Not one of them had any useful message on how to be truly successful.

As MBAs who are waiting to unleash their intellectual prowess on the world, you will no doubt be looking for tips to succeed. These commencement speeches will surely not help you! So, I have decided to compile together the secrets of my success. If you have any doubts as to whether these are effective or not, you can look at me as an example of the impact of putting these tenets to practice! After all, I did not become a trillionaire just by selling some innovative service / product, or marrying into a rich family, or winning a lottery!

Always blame it on others!
There will be lot of occasions when the crap will hit the fan. And when it does, you will be well prepared to make sure you have an umbrella! Whenever any of your initiatives fail magnificently, you should be sure to blame the whole fiasco on the incompetence of your team. The true measure of your success depends on how elegantly you deflect the blame. Phrases like “I take full responsibility for the failure of my team, but there is a limit to what I can achieve alone” and “the project failed due to many reasons, not the least of which was complete lack of support…” need to be used liberally during the judgment sessions that follow any such event.

Do not be afraid to quote statistics, even if they are made up!
73.42% of all statistics are made on the spot. So, when you are challenged by anyone who does not agree to your idea, be sure to use statistics as your weapon. Consider a scenario where you have proposed developing a flying machine for 1 person. When any unfortunate soul dares to ask you as to the practicality of such an invention, retort with statistics like “33% of all men have expressed their desire to fly alone at least once, with at most one other person, in their lifetime”. You may encounter some smart people who may ask you to provide the sources of your statistical information. You can retort that these studies are available for everyone to read on the internet, and that only a person with an IQ less than that of a potato will fail to see the business potential of this idea.

Always present a contrarian view!
Senior management of any company hates the concept of “yes men”! As a corollary, they love people who present contrarian views. There is a thin line of difference between being a contrarian and being a pessimist who opposes any idea being discussed. The trick is to be not too vehement with your views. So, let’s say everyone agrees that it is a good idea for the company to implement an ERP system to enable better information availability. You can give a knowing smirk and remark “I don’t agree with the point that the system will improve the performance of the company.” If you are challenged to support your statement, always refer to strategy #2 – use statistics liberally. However, at the same time, if you feel that people are very convinced by the idea, you can gracefully step aside with remarks like “I clearly seem to be in the minority and hence will not discuss this further…” Such a position also helps you to effectively use strategy #1 – blaming it on others – when things go wrong.

Use non-sequiturs when asked a question you don’t know the answer to!
Never directly answer any question. Consultants have honed this to a fine art and you can learn something from them. The standard answer to any question is “It depends…”! You should then proceed to look longingly into the horizon contemplating the future of humanity. Others will take it as a sign of deep thought and will most probably leave you alone. For the more tenacious among them, you can retort with unconnected statements. The statement “Industry trends and economic conditions predict the widespread adoption of antidisestablishmentarianism tactics in society” is guaranteed to silence your most ardent critic.

Better Late!
Remember that whoever said “Better late than never” had it wrong. The correct version is “Better Late”. Being late not only gives you the capability to push your work to the last possible moment, but also gives the impression to others that you are doing so thorough a job, that you need the extra time. Of course, always accompany this with a slovenly appearance and an unkempt beard, so as to give the impression of working very hard.

The above five principles will help you become successful with the minimum efforts on your part. Remember one thing – adopt all the above principles, and make sure that everyone who works for you DO NOT follow these tenets. Once you get these basic requirements set, no one can stop you from succeeding!

Hope all of you have noted down these points of wisdom, and will use it effectively. These will help you do well in any company that you work with. I, however, will certainly not be recruiting any of you guys into my companies (as I said earlier, I DON’T WANT ANYONE WORKING FOR ME TO FOLLOW THESE PRECEPTS).

Good luck to all you!